BIG FOOT AT THE MUSEUM CLUB

The Rev. Dana Prom Smith, S.T.D., Ph.D. (11/17/2012)

 

Q.  You may not remember me.  My name’s Abigail.  I wrote you last year about my husband Rusty who used to like to watch Ice Road Truckers.  Now, he’s on Animal Planet and Finding Big Foot, especially after he saw Big Foot come out of the Museum Club late one night in December.  He’d been in the Club, “hoisting a few” and chewing the rag with some buddies about the dangers of foreign influences in Flagstaff.  After he left, he sat in that old broken down pickup of his running it in neutral to heat up the cab.  He swore he saw Big Foot dodge the traffic of “66” and head down to the railroad tracks.  He said it disappeared in swirling snow as it moved on towards the new Walmart.  What do you make of it?

         

A.  Yes, Abigail, I remember you well.  As I recall, Rusty didn’t like picking weeds because he thought it was against nature.  I don’t want to be rude, but I have doubts about Big Foot sightings after someone admitted to “hoisting a few” beforehand.  Also, some exhaust may have seeped into his cab, something like the Oracle at Delphi in ancient Greece who breathed carbon dioxide vapors coming out of the rocks before she pronounced her prophetic hallucinations.  Her vapors were probably just like Rusty’s.    

 

Q.  That’s what I thought, but Rusty got all bent out of shape when I asked him how many “brews” he drank in the Museum Club, but I never thought about his broken down exhaust.  Then he went into a tirade about the foreign influences in Flagstaff and that Big Foot is just “a sign of the times” like some kind of apocalypse, you know, “the end of life as we know it.”  He talks a lot about “things just ain’t what they used to be.”

 

He saw a woman in the market with a head scarf, and it nearly freaked him out.  Turned out that she was a little, old woman from Poland who was visiting her son, a prof at NAU.  She was wearing a babushka to keep her head warm in the winter.  I think what really got him was that she told the butcher that American sausage is inferior to Polish and that our beets were dried up and withered, too.  The manager told him to control himself.

 

A.  Well, Abigail, I have a plan.  Weeds in the nature of the case are foreigners.  We don’t get many weeds from Norway, Sweden, Denmark, or Finland.  Most of them come from Russia and Asia, especially Asia Minor, and from the lands around the Mediterranean.  Even the Scotch thistle, which came here from Scotland, originally came from Italy along with its thistled cousins, the artichoke and the diffuse knapweed.  Now, if he wants to fight foreigners taking over Flagstaff, he can begin with weeds.

 

      Q.  But he says he doesn’t believe in intruding into nature.  He said that we should let nature take its course.  The result is that our yard, both back and front, is a mess.  It’s full of weeds.  Like you said last year, I put in some bearded iris, and they were bright spots in our desolation. 

 

A.  Well, you and Rusty can go native as a way of resisting the foreign takeover of Flagstaff.  Plant a lot of American vegetation, such as grasses like sheep fescue, Arizona fescue, and blue grama.  They don’t take a lot of upkeep since their native and hardy, leaving him time to watch Animal Planet.  Besides, they’ll blot out any of those foreign intruders.  Weeds are foreigners who want to take over the high country and exploit it.  Cheat grass’s root system spreads out, using too much moisture, and knapweed poisons the ground around it so that nothing else can grow.  They’re subversive like the Dalmatian toadflax which uses it’s siren beauty to take over the natives and shove them out.  Keeping America strong means planting native vegetation and picking foreign weeds.  This way after a day of planting natives and picking foreign weeds, he can run the flag up the flag pole and salute it. 

Copyright © Dana Prom Smith

Gardening Etcetera is edited by Dana Prom Smith and Freddi Steele.  Smith can be emailed at stpauls@npgcable.com, and he blogs at http://highcountrygardener.blogspot.com

 

 

 

   

THE ANSWER MAN: Growing Tomatoes

 

 
The Rev. Dana Prom Smith, S.T.D., Ph.D. (10/7/2012)

 

          Question:  So what’s the big deal about growing tomatoes in Flagstaff?  Back in New Jersey, it was a cinch.  All I had to do was stick’em in the ground, and they’d grow like crazy.  Last year all I got out here was spindly little vines that don’t grow more than a foot and vines with tomatoes that ripened too late.  Anyhow, what ever happened to my favorite heirloom, the Brandywine?

 

Answer: Let’s get something straight.  I’m fed up with Easterners with their shiny shoes, pressed trousers, and slicked back hair whining about how hard it is to grow tomatoes in Flagstaff.  If that hot, sticky, icky, humid, sub-tropical climate were so great along with that carcinogenic air, you can always go back.

You come out here and want to change things, like our sense of high fashion.  So, we look like walking mummy bags.  Just try your six inch stilettos in a six foot snow drift.  Anyhow, welcome to the high country.

 

Question:  Hey cowboy!  Thanks for the welcome.  Now, how about the tomatoes?

 

Answer:  All right!  Growing tomatoes in Flagstaff may not be a cinch, but it doesn’t take a miracle worker, either.  All it takes is adjusting to different circumstances.  Of all the animals on the earth, human beings have the greatest capacity to adjust to climatic change.  Only weeds adapt better than human beings.     

          First, since our growing season is shorter than many, plant tomatoes that have short growing seasons, such as Canadian and Siberian.  These varieties are available in local commercial nurseries.  If they aren’t, you can start from seed which is often better because they’re disease free.  Sadly, nurseries are like hospitals, no matter how hard they scrub, they harbor diseases.  It’s no big deal to start with seeds, and besides you can watch the miracle of life right on your sunny window sill.

The best time to start seeds is the middle of March, the same time for planting onion sets.  This doesn’t involve a greenhouse or an elaborate setup.  All you need is one of those pellet kits that are really tiny greenhouses.  You’ve got several months to get ready.

After hardening off the young plants, they can be set outside the middle of May well before the last freeze if they’re protected by Walls O’Water which are really small tubular greenhouses.  So much for the short growing season.

          Second, growing them in containers better controls the soil, fertilizer, water, and diseases.  The five gallon, black plastic containers from the nurseries will do.  The tomatoes won’t be offended by such plain housing.  Besides, it’s good for recycling.  If you want to go upscale, you can buy specially designed containers for tomatoes at fancy prices.

          Third, Flagstaff is better for growing tomatoes than humid, hot, sticky places because some diseases that need those climates don’t do well here.  Besides, our air is better.  However, we do have a few of airborne and soil borne diseases which makes container growing all the more important.  Whatever you do, don’t plant them close together because airborne diseases can hop from one plant to the other with ease.  You Easterners live all jam packed like sardines, but out West we think a little space makes for good neighbors and healthy tomatoes.

 

Question:  Okay, I know how you feel, but what tomatoes would you suggest?

 

Answer:  Thought you’d never ask!  Several varieties do well up here.  One of my favorites is the “Galina,” a Siberian golden cherry that brings a person to bliss when eaten right off the vine.  Next, I’d recommend the Canadian “Prairie Fire” which produces a delightful 3-5 oz. tomato.  Then there’s the Czech “Stupice,” an early producer with small sweet and tangy fruit.  It was developed by Milan Sodomka in the 1970’s.  Finally, there are two Siberians, “Gregori’s Altai and Sasha’s Altai, both of which produce small to medium, tasty fruit.  These all produce within sixty days.  Have at it “Jersey Boy.”  Be sure to buy your seeds early.

 

Question:  Do you have to be a grump to grow tomatoes in Flagstaff?

 

Answer:  No, but it helps.

Copyright © Dana Prom Smith 2012

Dana Prom Smith along with Freddi Steele edits Gardening Etcetera.  His blog is http://highcountrygardener.blogspot.com, and his email address is stpauls@npgcable.com.